I look for him

I open the app when I am alone at night.

I already know what it's going to show me, but I still pray that somehow this time it will be different. That maybe I've made all of this up in my mind. That this has all been some terrible dream I just can't wake up from, and his location will prove it.

I keep thinking there is no way this is true.

There's no way this happened.

Not to me. Not to us. Not to him.

His location can't be found.

It's been seven months, and I know I'm supposed to have accepted it by now, but I can't. My mind and my heart argue over the facts. My mind knows that when I open that app, it isn't going to show me what I need it to show me.

But my heart still whispers the same question...

Where is he?

Then I start thinking maybe I just need something different to find him.

Maybe a psychic with a crystal ball.

Maybe a witch with a locator spell.

Maybe a Ouija board.

A different app.

A candle with a flame so big it dances shadows across the wall.

Something...

Anything...

Anything that could somehow find my son.

I have prayed.

I have screamed.

I have begged God to just show me where he is.

Maybe if I could just see his location one more time... maybe then I'd finally be okay.

But nothing can find him.

Not a phone.

Not an app.

Not a map.

Not even all the desperate hope in a mother's heart.