Two months without his voice. Without a phone call. Without seeing his face. Without feeling his presence anywhere in this world.
Today I stood in Hickory at that cross on the side of the road and all I could think was… how the hell is this real? this so fucking unfair!
it’s not just that I lost my son ....even though that alone is enough. It’s everything else that I seem to be losing.
Friends who don’t know what to do with me anymore so they stop.
Distance with my parents because I can’t be who they need me to be right now.
A marriage that feels like it’s slowly slipping because I don’t even know how to exist anymore.
Pieces of my other two kids that changed the day we lost him.
Things that used to make me happy that just… don’t. The love I once had for my job.. gone because some mornings getting out of bed feels impossible. Parts of myself just gone.
Maybe half of that isn’t true to everyone else. Maybe from the outside it looks different. But this is how it feels living inside my own head and heart.
I know life has moved forward for most people. It’s been two months — the casseroles stopped, the check-ins slowed, the world kept spinning, But I’m still standing at that cross feeling like it just happened yesterday.
Now people suggest grief counseling, professional help. And maybe they mean well. But honestly… what can someone tell me that I don’t already know?
I know this is grief.
I know these feelings are normal.
I get up. I go to work. I show up where I’m supposed to. I talk. I try. I push through every single day. I am doing everything people say I’m supposed to do.....And it still hurts like hell.
I know posts like this make people uncomfortable. They make me look unstable.
Well… I am unstable. I’m an emotional walking time bomb most days. I’m not fun to be around anymore. I have panic attacks over the littlest thing. Everything feels so wrong. I’m not who I used to be.
And I’m tired.
So damn tired.
Lonely. Hurting. Lost.
Everyone talks about finding a “new normal.”
I don’t want a new normal.
I want my son.
please know… I don’t need responses, casseroles, or check-ins although I do appreciate them and everyone. I am just angry and I just need a moment to breathe that doesn’t feel like I’m suffocating.